Weight Loss... Not So Great

Something really unusual happened to me yesterday. After doing Yoga, Muscle Workouts and Aerobic Exercises on Wii Fit I did my Body Test.
That's not the unusual bit, of course, I weigh myself daily with Wii Fit. But according to my Wii, I've lost 1.6kg (3.5 lbs) since yesterday.

I'm beginning to question the accuracy of the Balance Board.

Never, in the past two years of my disordered living have I lost weight.

I was suddenly overwhelmed by delight as a stupid little grin spread across my face because I just couldn't contain my little bit of joy. Naturally enough though, it didn't last very long.

Weight loss, to me, was always like a distant unobtainable goal. I always thought that losing weight was my sole intention, however, I never really thought I would achieve it.
When it occurred to me that I had accomplished (part of) my goal I began to think about my future, it shortly dawned on me that I had no future.
With my eating disorder I never really planned ahead. I acted impulsively, with short-term goals like weight loss, when really, I thought losing weight would be a long-term goal.
The frightening thing about treating weight loss as a long-term goal was that all other important goals came second to losing weight. I thought I would spend my whole life struggling with my eating disorder. But what scared me most was that I actually wanted to spend my life battling an eating disorder. I always believed I wanted to recover, when really, I wanted to think that I would recover. I made up silly excuses to myself like, 'You don't want to be messed up, you just want to lose weight.' Ironically, I know for a fact that eating disorders are not caused by the desire to lose weight, eating disorders cause the desire to lose weight.
I knew from all my experience that eating disorders make one unhappy. Why, then, did I not want to give mine up?

My eating disorder has been a part of me for almost two years now, and in those two years, I and everyone around me has changed. The whole world around me is so different now. Before I developed an eating disorder, I was looking forward to the future and I had a generally positive view of life and human beings. My eating disorder has changed that completely. I'm now bitter and cynical and dread what each day will bring. I want to stay wrapped up in my own little world, and my eating disorder has always enabled me to do that. My eating disorder has given me something to aspire to, something to distract myself with, another reason to live really. Both a reason to live and a reason to die. Something to think about so that I don't have to face the real world.
I honestly don't know who I am without my eating disorder.

I often compare eating disorders to swine flu. Just as the virus has a way of invading your body and turning your own immune system against you, eating disorders invade your mind, disrupt your mental health and change your natural mindset. Basically, it encourages you to harm yourself, to self-destruct.

Any slight bit of sanity that remains in me is alienated by this foreign body. The tiny sane bit of me is made to feel insane.

Just when I said to myself, "You can't go on forever like this," my eating disorder seemed to respond, "Are you crazy? It's the only way you can be happy."

The disordered me claims to be the real me, when I myself no longer know the real me.
The disordered me says that the wise voice speaking inside of me is simply an impostor, trying to change me.

I have always promised I would stay true to myself, but how can be myself when it seems I have lost all touch with my old self and my sanity?


Now I understand what it feels like to have a split personality.