Earlier this week, I awoke with the determination to get better.
Never before have I been so certain that the end of my bulimia was nigh. But by the end of the day,
my mind had been changed completely and I was back to my old habits, starving, purging, weighing myself, measuring myself, calculating BMI, calculating Body Fat Percentage, calculating the amount of days I have left to live........
Reasons I will not recover:
-I will never have reached my goal weight
-I will gain weight
-All my efforts of the past two years will have been a waste
-I have to heal myself on my own. I am alone.
-I will not receive any encouragement to get better.
-I could give up purging and dieting, but I could never stop thinking about my weight.
-I don't know who I am without bulimia. My life has changed so much in the past two years the only thing that has remained constant is my desire to lose weight. It's part of me now.
Reasons I should recover:
-I will stop ruining my teeth.
-I will decrease my chances of getting oesophagal cancer.
-My diabetes should improve.
-I will learn to love myself.
-I will have the capacity to love others.
-I will have the ability to feel emotions that I haven't felt since developing bulimia.
-I will learn to think of other things apart from my weight.
-As a result of the above, my grades will improve.
-I will feel better, I will be healthier, fitter, stronger, more confident...
Recovery, at this stage, seems impossible to me.
But never before this week have I come so close to considering recovery.
And it's a start.
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i know how you feel and how hard is it to want to change, to feel loved and to love your self as who you are. to want to the beauty that other people see in you. i am a recovering anorexic whatever that means. i do eat but the past damages will always be there. i still do suffer when looking at food and loving myself. one advice that i have for you is to ask for help because no matter how fat we feel that feeling will never go away. living life in paranoya bcuz that is what eatin disorders do is not worth living like that. we have to learn to love ourselves. recovery is everyday for the rest of our lives but we can get through it to support. its not easy, and it will never be. we cry cuz we hate ourselves so much but there really is beauty in all of us.
ReplyDeleteThe reason "I will learn to love myself" alone completely outweighs all those reasons you won't recover.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can feel even a tiny bit of love for yourself so that some day (hopefully soon) you WILL recover. People do it all the time, it's not impossible.
My prayers are with you. xx <3
Thank you.
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